Joking about Jews

  5759  =  Year according to Jewish calendar
  4696  =  Year according to Chinese calendar
  1063  =  Total # of years that Jews went without Chinese food


Q: What did the waiter ask the group of dining Jewish mothers?
A: "Is ANYTHING all right?"


Q: Where does a Jewish husband hide money from his wife?
A: Under the vacuum cleaner.


Q: How many Jewish mothers does it take the change a light bulb?
A: (Sigh) Don't bother, I'll sit in the dark, I don't want to be a
   nuisance to anybody.


Sam Levy was driving down the road, gets pulled over by a policeman. Walking 
up to Sam's car, the policeman says, "Your wife fell out the car 5 miles 
back." Sam replies, "Thank god for that... I'd thought I'd gone deaf!"


Short summary of every Jewish Holiday: 
   They tried to kill us, we won, let's eat."


Did you hear about the bum who walked up to the Jewish mother on the street 
and said, "Lady, I haven't eaten in three days."
"Force yourself," she replied.


Q: What's the difference between a Rottweiler and a Jewish Mother?
A: Eventually, the Rottweiler lets go.


A young Jewish man calls his mother and says, "Mom, I'm bringing home a 
wonderful woman I want to marry. She's a Native American and her name is 
Shooting Star." 
  "How nice," says his mother.
  "I have an Indian name too," he says. "It's Running Water and you have to 
call me that from now on." 
  "How nice," says his mother.
  "You have to have an Indian name too, Mom," he says. 
  "I already >>> >do," says the mother. "Just call me Sitting Shiva."


A man calls his mother in Florida. "Mom, how are you?" 
  "Not too good," says the mother. "I've been very weak." 
  The son says, "Why are you so weak?"
  She says, "Because I haven't eaten in 38 days."
  The man says, "That's terrible. Why haven't you eaten in 38 days?"
  The mother answers, "Because I didn't want my mouth to be filled with food
if you should call."


A Jewish boy comes home from school and tells his mother he's been given a 
part in the school play. 
  "Wonderful. What part is it?"
  The boy says, "I play the part of the Jewish husband."
  The mother scowls and says, "Go back and tell the teacher you want a 
speaking part."


Jewish telegram:  "Begin worrying.  Details to follow."